I Love You, Okay?
by Crazy Lady Wolf
Summary: Sometimes, all that's left is the fleeting touch of a lover's ghost and the memories that shall forever haunt the mind. SoccerCop OneShot


"Donnie, _please_," Alison all but begged, ushering her ex-husband out of her home. He was hesitant but did as he was told, lumbering his way down the driveway to the red minivan they still shared. Their children were buckled in and waiting, not entirely surprised that their mother wasn't going. They waved as the car backed out and made its way toward their destination: far from mom.

Alison stood by the window with tears pooling in her eyes, watching as her once upon a time family drove away. A part of her was tempted to run to the phone, call her one time lover and ask to join them but she didn't. Instead she heaved a long sigh and went to her kitchen, rummaging through drawers and cabinets until she held a half full glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

_Just one_, her mind whispered. Nodding to herself, she plopped down onto her couch and placed her drink down on one of the coasters she'd made months ago for…

Shaking her head, she chugged the wine, scowling when she felt some of it dribble down her chin. "Fiddlesticks."

It stained the carpet, dark red and spreading. "_Fiddle- shit_," she growled. "It looks like…" She blinked, images flashing in her mind as tears finally spilled from her eyes.

_"__That'll stain," Alison scolded, frowning as her look alike simply shrugged. For a member of the law enforcement, Beth Childs, seemed too untamed and stubborn in Alison's eyes._

_"__Bet you know how to get it out," she stated, examining her hand. "Needle and thread?"_

_"__For?" The soccer mom eyed her counterpart warily, staring at the still bleeding appendage the detective inspected. How she managed to hurt herself so badly made Alison curious, worried._

_"__On the go stitches; I could go to the hospital but I'd prefer not to have strangers handling my blood."_

_"__Is that… sanitary?"_

_"__Do I have to worry about your things being unsanitary, Hendrix?" Beth queried with a rise of her brow. Her lips almost imperceptibly pulled up into a small smirk. "Plus, I won't have them in long, I have medical supplies at home." _

Utterly insufferable_, Alison thought to herself as she rolled her eyes and made her way down to her crafts room. After a short time of searching, she had what she was asked of and returned to her… _guest_._

_"__Here." She shoved the items at the injured woman then stepped away and turned her face, unwilling to watch._

_"__You should see what I'm doing," Beth suggested, sounding gentler than Alison had ever heard._

_"__Why?"_

_"__You never know when you'd need to stitch someone up." Alison opened her mouth to argue but Beth cut her off. "Maybe for your kids?"_

_Without another word, Alison nodded and watched, flinching every time the detective winced. The blood that dripped from her palm fell and hit the floor, staining the carpet beneath their feet but Alison couldn't bring herself to care. It was mesmerizing watching the other woman tend to her cut, handling the needle with precision and ease. Something panged in the soccer mom's chest when she realized what it meant for her to handle herself so easily, she had a lot of practice. _

_Once it was over, all Alison was willing to do was whine over the blood, unwilling to show how impressed -and concerned- she really was. Beth simply smirked more broadly and offered to help clean._

"You told me, didn't you?" Alison spoke aloud, gazing up at the ceiling fan above her. Her eyes were somewhat clouded over as she shook her head.

Beth Childs was strong, in both mind and body, lending her strength to the soccer mom at surprising times. When the detective broke the news about Katja and the mysterious disease that overtook her, Beth stayed after Cosima left to ensure Alison was alright. She stayed in the shadows, doing her best to watch the mother throughout the day while remaining out of Donnie or the kids' sight. When night fell, Alison snuck downstairs and found herself wrapped in a somewhat rigid but comforting embrace.

"_Shh, it'll be okay, we'll be okay," Beth cooed, slowly unwinding her tense muscles. Alison's head rested on her shoulder, tears bleeding through the thin material of her comforter's shirt. _

_Again her chest panged because of Beth, this time it was because of the way 'we' sounded on her lips. Alison didn't know what was going on. _

_"Cosima's gonna find a cure," Beth continued, absentmindedly running her fingers through Alison's hair. "And we might not even get sick..." Her voice dipped, giving away how hopeless she believed that thought was. "We're going to get through this, together."_

_"Together?" Alison breathed out nervously. _

_"We're a team, aren't we, Hendrix?" _

_"A team," she agreed softly, pressing her face more firmly against the detective's shoulder. _

Before that, Beth was the one to show her how to hold and shoot a gun. They'd spent hours in a remote field, practicing hand to hand combat while trading witty banter. It was the most fun either had had in such a long time. It was also the first time Beth's laughter caused Alison's heart to flutter.

She couldn't quite recall how she fell or how long it took or when it actually happened, but Alison knew that the feelings she once thought she harbored for Donnie were nothing in comparison to what she started to feel about Beth.

"But we both know I _couldn't_ listen," she muttered, resting her chin in her hands and sighing. "Neither could _you_."

She vividly remembered their first kiss, being yanked into her craft room with Beth's eyes wild and bright as she pressed her hand over her mouth. Alison's own hand instantly went to her back, soothing the tense muscles she felt beneath her fingertips through her shirt.

_"__What's wrong?" she prodded gently. _

_Beth simply dropped her hand and pressed a desperate kiss to her lips, digging her fingers into the sweater Alison wore. It lasted seconds but felt like a life in eternity of bliss and completion. When they finally broke apart, they were both breathless and flushed, clinging to one another in order to keep from floating away. _

_"__I think we really, _really_ stepped in it, Ali," she whispered, slowly releasing the soft material she had bunched in her fists._

_"__Oh…" Alison blinked several times, still unable to properly process what had just happened. _

_"__We shouldn't let this happen; this _can't_ happen." She used her 'professional' voice, speaking forcefully and nonsensically. Alison felt her stomach flutter._

_"__Beth," she murmured, lifting her hands to cup her possible lover's face._

_"__We can't," the other replied weakly, unable to look away from the eyes that bore into her. _

_Half a breath later, their lips met in another kiss. It was slower, gentler and melted both their hearts. No other arguments happened that day._

The cigarette she'd found twirled in her hand, one of the few tokens left from the detective. Alison wasn't keen on smoking, and neither was Beth but they both knew it relieved tension when needed. Alison was tempted to light it, sitting there in tears by herself, thinking about the lover she was left without.

"Now's when you're supposed to jump out and startle me." The laugh that escaped her lips was dry and devoid of humor, as dead as the beating organ within her chest.

_"Little late for a jog, don't you think?" Beth asked, emerging from the shadows. With a startled yelp, Alison turned on her heel and glared at the woman standing beside her. _

_"__Are you trying to kill me?" she demanded in a harsh whisper with her hand clutching her chest. _

_Beth's answering grin did nothing to assuage the building anger within the woman. "Why the whisper?"_

_"__Because if I don't whisper I'll _yell_." _

_After a moment of deliberation, the detective dropped her grin and took her counterpart's hands, entwining their fingers. "Don't yell."_

_"__I have every right to yell," she snapped. Her eyes were stormy, raging with barely contained fury._

_"__Why?" Again with that voice that melted Alison's heart._

_"__Because," was the petulant reply. She had half a mind of pulling away but decided the warmth coming from her felt too nice to let go._

_"__C'mon now, tell me Ali." Their eyes met and held._

_"__I hate you for all this confusing sh-stuff!" she blurted, making the detective pull back. It felt strange, as if something slammed into her chest and kept pressing._

_"__Not… not what I was expecting." Beth let go, taking a step back and looking down at her feet. "Not at all."_

_"__Beth, wait, I didn't mean it like that." In all honesty, she's not sure why she said that of all things. Sure she was angry but to say _that_? It wasn't anywhere near true; hatred was far from true._

_"__Y'know, the only reason we do _this_," Beth said, motioning between herself, Alison and surrounding darkness. "It's because I love you. Okay? Being… what we are to each other is _dangerous_, Alison. They're killing us off. Do you know how bad it'd be if they find us together? Two birds, one stone." _

_The soccer mom remained silent, unsure how to respond. Beth said 'love'. _

_"__I'm sorry we have to sneak around but if it's too much…" The detective sighed, shaking her head and stepping further away. "We'll talk later, Hendrix." And with that she disappeared into the shadows, leaving the other woman standing their in dumbfounded silence._

"What I hate the most is that I never said it back. I wanted to, you know that."

Letting out another bitter laugh, she placed the cigarette between her lips, closing her eyes and imagining Beth's pouting face.

"You'd be telling me to put it back right now. You'd say that you were the one who paid for them. You'd tell me statistics then huff and say I'm a mother."

She could hear Beth's voice in her mind, recalling the way she spoke so similar yet different from her.

"You weren't supposed to leave, you said we were a team… I believed you."

She let the cigarette fall to the floor, burying her face in her hands as she felt the light touch of her lover's ghost brush down between her shoulder blades.

"I loved you," she sobbed. "I _still_ love you."

_Y'know, the only reason we do this, it's because I love you. Okay?_

* * *

**A/N**: I wrote this because someone on tumblr inspired me. For now it's a oneshot but I might possibly continue, still unsure. Anyway, hope ya liked it!


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